Little Boy Lost

You Were Our Joy....

You Were Our Happy....

But Sadness Enveloped You....

I Could Not Get Through To Your Heart.....

I Still Cry Out For....

My Little Boy Lost....

Peace.....

There You Were

I Was Blinded For So Long.....

I Chose Not To See.....

I Choked On My Tears.....

I Tried To Hang On......

I Cried Out Your Name....

And.....

There You Were..


Peace

Silver Lining

Most Days......
Some Days.....

When Things Are Going Down Hill.....

I Just Take Your Hand.....We Climb The Mountain.....

We Take A Walk In The Clouds.....

And You Always Help Me Find My Silver Lining....

Peace...

Bundle Of Love

You Burst Into My Life...

A Bundle Of Joy I Am Full Of Love...

I Watch You Grow And Smile With Pride...

Slow Down Little One....You Grow To Fast...

It Makes Me Wish For Days That Have Past....

You Have Taken My Heart....

And Filled It With Love....

Slow Down Little One....Don't Grow So Fast....

Strength And Wisdom

Life is a journey....

It's a never ending lesson.....

It isn't a race....

Life is meant to be cherished....

At times you have to have the strength to keep moving....

When you don't know which way to turn, at times you feel as though giving up is the only
answer.....

Then you must have the wisdom to know,

That Life is a journey....

And We have many lessons to be learned....

Peace

Stabbed

Once again as if the same CD playing the same song over and over again.....

You Stab me in the heart....You pierce my soul with you words....

You feel as though you should be judge and jury of my life, of me....

You think you can tell me you view without seeing mine....

Do you think because you see things differently that you are right?

Do you think because you haven't walked in my shoes you can tell me how I could have done it?

Do you think at your age, that you have ever struggled more than anyone else?

Maybe you need to stand back and look at yourself,

Maybe then you would see not everything is black and white.....

Even Still

I loved you, with my whole heart and soul.....

Looking back I see things the way they really were, it pierces my heart again, like 

little push pins.....I only wish you could have loved me the way you love your addiction...

I pushed you away, I walked away from us.....but not from you....

I tried to stay in my little part of the world, but your love enticed me back once again....

I thought all would be right, I thought you would be true to my heart again as I always have'

been to yours.....

Once again, you chose your addiction....and left me in the cold.....

The Addiction....The Abuse.....and I still loved you I still love you.....even still even now....

You Moved on to another.....But my heart is still in the same place...as if waiting for you to come

home.....How sad am I of a person....that I still love you......

Even Still......

Even Now.....

The Day My Life Turned to Joy

What a great day that was....
I can remember it so vividly, like it was an hour ago....
29 years ago, I was dating my first love and first beloved husband....
I found out I was pregnant, (with my second child) but our first, I was so nervous to tell him...
So I waited till we went to go dancing and playing pool, I figured it would soften the blow, because I was terrified to tell Gary....
So I told him, and of course he had, had a little to drink and it was very noisy, he didn't react...
I figured ok so I told him, so i felt a since of relief.....
And then the next morning I was so scared of him actually remembering what I had actually told him.
I remember I was in the kitchen, helping my Mom cook breakfast, (Gary always stayed over and slept on the couch when we would go out).
I was in the kitchen by myself, and Gary came up behind me, he put his arms around my waist standing behind me;  and he whispered in my ear....
I'm making sure I wasn't dreaming when you told me last night we were going to have a baby, my heart jumped in my stomach, I didn't turn around, I stood there, I didn't want him to let me go and I was afraid if I turned around and looked at him I would lose the moment....
I said yes honey, we are going to have a baby.....

He said, you don't know how happy you have made me.....I can not describe the feeling i had at that moment....I wanted it to last forever.....I turned around and said, your aren't mad, he said OMG no,
why would I be.....we are having a baby and I'm so happy.....

He was silent for a moment, and then he said.....I love you Gina.....I feel so lucky and blessed to have you in my life.....

That was the most incredible moment for me.....I felt relief, blessed and so loved....

I go back to that time and although my heart hurts for a moment, only because I'm with out him now,
I can still feel him with me when I think of that time, and the most incredible thing about that memory is I can still his beautiful smiling face....and how happy he was at that very moment....
Our love still lives...and our bond is still strong.....

169  DGV.....

Blessing In Disquise

Well once again, here I am thinking about a holiday a week later.

Reflecting on the day, and just the memories we made that day.

I'm speaking about Easter.

I sat in the yard after the Grand babies had their Easter Egg Hunt and I just watched them

play together, running around, laughing.

As I watched them I began to just thank God that I was here and enjoying their laughter

and their constant running up and giving me loves.

I realized that day, the past year with the drama, and the unknowing about what was going to 

happen to me, brought my family closer.

I watched and smiled with such happiness watching my youngest three children, talking and laughing, and watching their children play.   I overheard one of them say; hey how cool is it

that our kids are playing together at their Mombo's house, the same way we did at Nana's house when we were their age.  They all of course agreed.

I just felt such a warm, peaceful feeling at that moment, like everything that had happened was over and I was just so blessed to have my children rally around me;  not only were they there for me, but for each other.   

I know that things with Nick will never be good, and I also know that since Nick has decided to

 not be apart of this family, things are so much calmer, easier and happier, as hard as it is to finally say it, I'm at peace with it.  Oh it bothers me, but not as much as it did even 6 months ago.

I feel so blessed so happy that my youngest three have such a strong bond, and love each other,

oh they still fuss with each other, but as they grow older I begin to see that they have come to realize that family is so important, and in an instant things can change.

So I know now that the past year's events were just:

"A Blessing In Disguise"

My New Normal

So my new life as I am coming to know it, is slightly complicated.  Maybe I have made it that way

just so I can deal with everything that has happened just in the last year.

Everyone has issues to deal with, I know this.  I try to never feel pity for myself, and in most cases
don't want anyone else to feel pity for me either, I believe it's because I had to stand on my own so many times, and in turn it made me Stronger.

When you have issues with health, of which you have no control, it can be; (please excuse my wording)  a REAL PISSER!!

Health issues can be hereditary and sometimes come out of no where, when you least suspect or even want them too.   When all of my health issues started, I wasn't expecting it at all, but who really is, right? 

I was just getting my life together, after a very bad divorce;   I started a new job, had my finances in order, finally.  And then Boom.....I was in the hospital, and finding out, I had a brain tumor....
well isn't that nice.

Well after two major brain surgeries and almost a year after the first one, I'm now realizing that I am not who I was when all of this started;  the reality of that makes me very angry.

I am realizing also that everyone has seen the change in me, except for me.  Why?  Because I just
didn't want to admit it to myself;  but now, as I have seen changes in my physical and mental I have begun to slowly admit it to myself, because I am the only one (aside from God) that I have to answer too.

Everyday isn't always difficult, I have days when I feel like I could conquer anything;  Like for instance:
Cleaning the house
Raking all the leaves in the yard and bagging them
Working out for an hour

Oh yes and I do these things, and then at the end of the day, I feel like I have been hit by a Mack Truck three times.  (not an exaggeration either).
And then I wonder why the heck am I so beat down?  AH!   Well genius, you know why.

So everyday I struggle with myself, and keep saying to myself, hey you're OK, shake it off, you are going to be back to normal before you know it;  and there in lies the Big Thorn, because I will never be that same person, not physically anyway.

So I dust myself off and say hey, it's better than the alternative right?

When something happens to you, be it health, be it relationship changes, things in life can change in  a split second and I believe that everyone in this life in their life can do one of two things,

1.  Let it defeat you    OR

2.  Get through  it

I believe that what doesn't end you, only makes you stronger, and I may not be the same person I was
a year ago, but you better believe I'm will be a better and stronger  version than that person a year ago.

Peace

My Year in 2017

2017....Quite a year..

..I have to look at it that way, or I just cry.

It seems as though every time i think I am finally getting over one Obstacle, another is thrown my way....now I realize, most of the Obstacles I am putting there, with the Stupid decisions I have made.

This tumor of course was not my doing, LOL....yes I have to laugh, because you just never know when something is lurking and waiting for you, and then, BOOM....there it is and all you can do
is just deal with it....Faith of course is always right there, of which I know I have always had,
otherwise I could never have gotten through any of the events in my life.

Now it's been almost a year since Everything seem to crash around me Again....But
I'm still here, the only difference now, is I have to work so much harder to get to where I was almost a year and a half ago...both mentally, physically and emotionally.

I don't realize my own limits at times, so I push....and well my body pushes back HARD...
I feel as though if i don't get up and do things, that I'm giving up....when I know in the back of my mind, that isn't the case, it's has become apparent to me in the last 4 months, that I am not and will not be the same, no matter how much I push myself....and there lies the problem, I GET ANGRY...
at myself, and the world.....

I realize a little more every day, just how blessed I really am to still be here, and I'm grateful,
but the Anger is still there, I just have to learn how to deal with all of this, I know it will take time,
but I will get there.

Hopefully things will get easier, and when I look back in another year, I can breath a big sigh of relief and smile.

Peace