At The End Of It All

After you left, I walked through the remains of my life and wondered; 

How do I move on in my life now, without you?

I looked around the house, and saw you everywhere....

I felt like a big never ending hole was left in my soul....

I wanted to die and I did, Inside....

I was alone, without you,

At The End Of It All....

Heart Breaks

When I Think of the times we could have had....
When I Look at our Grand Children....

My Heart Breaks....

When I think about not seeing you in the morning
with that Awesome Smile...

My Heart Breaks....

When I am sitting out side looking at the stars...
under the beautiful moon, without you....

My Heart Breaks....

The truth comes out when I think of you...
Why?   

My Heart Breaks Because Your Not There......

Holding Pattern

Me Again....
My last entry was August, and yes I have been in touch with Kevin.
Yeah same story, different channel, or is it?
Why can I not let go of this Man?  I know he will never change, and there lies the thorn that
always seems to stick me, over and over again.

I talk to him, we chit chat, and he always says the same thing, I really think he is in denial of what
happened to us and our marriage.  He never wants or has admitted to any of the circumstances leading up to the demise of our marriage, and I don't think after 2 years, he ever will.

This man is very narcissistic, and that won't ever change, I guess I'm guilty of the same tendencies,
but then I think back to all the hurt he inflicted on me, physically, mentally and emotionally, and I realize, no I'm not the person he wants me to believe I am.  I have begun to realize he is playing
the same mind games he has always played on my esteem and confidence, he broke me in to
a million pieces, I now know it will take a while for me to ever trust a man or even love a man again.

He has a girlfriend, lol, yup and it bothers me...ALOT!!   Why?  because he moved on, like nothing ever happened.  It's really sad that I can't move on, yet when I talk to him, he always asks the same damn question....."Who are You dating?"  always i give him the truth, and I really think he knows I am not, but he needs to believe I am, to make himself feel better.   I know its all a mind game for him, for me, I'm still trying to move on, to get past this overwhelming loss I have of our marriage.

I am beginning to realize also, that the marriage is what I am grieving over, why?  Because I had such high hopes with us, only to be disappointed, did i see this coming, yes, but I just never wanted to admit it to myself,  but the night in June of 2015 I couldn't deny it any longer.

I was truly scared that night, and I'm usually not scared of anything.  The difference at that point,
was my kids and grandkids, the thought of him truly hurting me, scared me, because I was afraid of
not being there to see my kids grow into the parents I knew they would be, to see my grand kids grow up.  and there lies another jab with that thorn....

How can I still have such strong feelings for this man, who hurt me the way he did, and everyday I realize Kevin is two different people.  Kevin (sober) loving, romantic, sweet (but still jealous and controlling) and Kevin (drunk) mean, belligerent who tears at my esteem and confidence with his
venomous words (still controlling and jealous) only worse.  So why did i fall in love with him?
I think the thought of growing old alone saddens me, but I do know that I would not have been a happy person, because he would still be drinking, and things would never change.

I guess when comes right down to it, I just have to keep reminding myself, of the reasons I left him,
and eventually with a little faith, a lot of tears, and a lot of prayer, I will get thru all of the feelings, the regret and the heartbreak.

Till next time....Peace Out.