After you left, I walked through the remains of my life and wondered;
How do I move on in my life now, without you?
I looked around the house, and saw you everywhere....
I felt like a big never ending hole was left in my soul....
I wanted to die and I did, Inside....
I was alone, without you,
At The End Of It All....
Sunday, November 26, 2017
Friday, November 17, 2017
Heart Breaks
When I Think of the times we could have had....
When I Look at our Grand Children....
My Heart Breaks....
When I think about not seeing you in the morning
with that Awesome Smile...
My Heart Breaks....
When I am sitting out side looking at the stars...
under the beautiful moon, without you....
My Heart Breaks....
The truth comes out when I think of you...
Why?
My Heart Breaks Because Your Not There......
When I Look at our Grand Children....
My Heart Breaks....
When I think about not seeing you in the morning
with that Awesome Smile...
My Heart Breaks....
When I am sitting out side looking at the stars...
under the beautiful moon, without you....
My Heart Breaks....
The truth comes out when I think of you...
Why?
My Heart Breaks Because Your Not There......
Monday, November 6, 2017
Holding Pattern
Me Again....
My last entry was August, and yes I have been in touch with Kevin.
Yeah same story, different channel, or is it?
Why can I not let go of this Man? I know he will never change, and there lies the thorn that
always seems to stick me, over and over again.
I talk to him, we chit chat, and he always says the same thing, I really think he is in denial of what
happened to us and our marriage. He never wants or has admitted to any of the circumstances leading up to the demise of our marriage, and I don't think after 2 years, he ever will.
This man is very narcissistic, and that won't ever change, I guess I'm guilty of the same tendencies,
but then I think back to all the hurt he inflicted on me, physically, mentally and emotionally, and I realize, no I'm not the person he wants me to believe I am. I have begun to realize he is playing
the same mind games he has always played on my esteem and confidence, he broke me in to
a million pieces, I now know it will take a while for me to ever trust a man or even love a man again.
He has a girlfriend, lol, yup and it bothers me...ALOT!! Why? because he moved on, like nothing ever happened. It's really sad that I can't move on, yet when I talk to him, he always asks the same damn question....."Who are You dating?" always i give him the truth, and I really think he knows I am not, but he needs to believe I am, to make himself feel better. I know its all a mind game for him, for me, I'm still trying to move on, to get past this overwhelming loss I have of our marriage.
I am beginning to realize also, that the marriage is what I am grieving over, why? Because I had such high hopes with us, only to be disappointed, did i see this coming, yes, but I just never wanted to admit it to myself, but the night in June of 2015 I couldn't deny it any longer.
I was truly scared that night, and I'm usually not scared of anything. The difference at that point,
was my kids and grandkids, the thought of him truly hurting me, scared me, because I was afraid of
not being there to see my kids grow into the parents I knew they would be, to see my grand kids grow up. and there lies another jab with that thorn....
How can I still have such strong feelings for this man, who hurt me the way he did, and everyday I realize Kevin is two different people. Kevin (sober) loving, romantic, sweet (but still jealous and controlling) and Kevin (drunk) mean, belligerent who tears at my esteem and confidence with his
venomous words (still controlling and jealous) only worse. So why did i fall in love with him?
I think the thought of growing old alone saddens me, but I do know that I would not have been a happy person, because he would still be drinking, and things would never change.
I guess when comes right down to it, I just have to keep reminding myself, of the reasons I left him,
and eventually with a little faith, a lot of tears, and a lot of prayer, I will get thru all of the feelings, the regret and the heartbreak.
Till next time....Peace Out.
My last entry was August, and yes I have been in touch with Kevin.
Yeah same story, different channel, or is it?
Why can I not let go of this Man? I know he will never change, and there lies the thorn that
always seems to stick me, over and over again.
I talk to him, we chit chat, and he always says the same thing, I really think he is in denial of what
happened to us and our marriage. He never wants or has admitted to any of the circumstances leading up to the demise of our marriage, and I don't think after 2 years, he ever will.
This man is very narcissistic, and that won't ever change, I guess I'm guilty of the same tendencies,
but then I think back to all the hurt he inflicted on me, physically, mentally and emotionally, and I realize, no I'm not the person he wants me to believe I am. I have begun to realize he is playing
the same mind games he has always played on my esteem and confidence, he broke me in to
a million pieces, I now know it will take a while for me to ever trust a man or even love a man again.
He has a girlfriend, lol, yup and it bothers me...ALOT!! Why? because he moved on, like nothing ever happened. It's really sad that I can't move on, yet when I talk to him, he always asks the same damn question....."Who are You dating?" always i give him the truth, and I really think he knows I am not, but he needs to believe I am, to make himself feel better. I know its all a mind game for him, for me, I'm still trying to move on, to get past this overwhelming loss I have of our marriage.
I am beginning to realize also, that the marriage is what I am grieving over, why? Because I had such high hopes with us, only to be disappointed, did i see this coming, yes, but I just never wanted to admit it to myself, but the night in June of 2015 I couldn't deny it any longer.
I was truly scared that night, and I'm usually not scared of anything. The difference at that point,
was my kids and grandkids, the thought of him truly hurting me, scared me, because I was afraid of
not being there to see my kids grow into the parents I knew they would be, to see my grand kids grow up. and there lies another jab with that thorn....
How can I still have such strong feelings for this man, who hurt me the way he did, and everyday I realize Kevin is two different people. Kevin (sober) loving, romantic, sweet (but still jealous and controlling) and Kevin (drunk) mean, belligerent who tears at my esteem and confidence with his
venomous words (still controlling and jealous) only worse. So why did i fall in love with him?
I think the thought of growing old alone saddens me, but I do know that I would not have been a happy person, because he would still be drinking, and things would never change.
I guess when comes right down to it, I just have to keep reminding myself, of the reasons I left him,
and eventually with a little faith, a lot of tears, and a lot of prayer, I will get thru all of the feelings, the regret and the heartbreak.
Till next time....Peace Out.
Wednesday, August 16, 2017
Obstacle
5 Months ago, I was free....
I was getting my life together...
I had decided to just let go of Kevin and try to heal an move on....
Everything was flowing along, Josh and Mary were moving out into their own apartment, and Harold was moving in, I was excited that I had finally got all of my ducks in a roll (that being my bills caught up including my credit cards)....
Then on May 9th....The Explosion Happened....
I passed out at work, had a seizure....and was transported to the hospital....
I'm thinking at the time, it was probably just due to stress, and anxiety.
I'm at the emergency room, the er dr comes in after an MRI and let me know they had
found something on my brain.....Um What? I was in freak out mode....and shock all at the same time
which is why when he said we are transferring you to Harris Downtown, because the ER dr said he wasn't a neurologist.....Now I'm speechless....
What the heck I think to myself....they transport me to Harris Downtown....Thank Goodness Taylore (my adopted daughter) comes and stays with me till i fall asleep. Then the next morning...
the neurologist comes in and tells me i have a Tumor (mass) on my entire brain....WHAT!!!????
Could you repeat that.....I was in shock.....she said it would have to be removed....yeah um
I was still trying to take in the fact that I have a tumor in the first place.
So they keep me in the hospital for 4 days, and then I go home. I have seizure after seizure....even though I'm on medicine.....hmm figure that out....(gotta be the tumor )....well here we go...
ANOTHER obstacle to hurdle....and this one is Gigantic.....
So I go back to the Dr, Dr says we will have to do two surgeries....because the tumor is all over your brain....then he says, its congenital (i was born with it) and some kind of trauma (in the last 3 to 5 years) had triggered its growth......Oh really, no you have to be kidding....(yeah that fateful night in June 2015 you know the one) I am in utter disbelief.....and at the time when he says this, and Taylore and I get back in the car to go home (after he tells me all the things that could possibly happen after surgery) Taylore is pissed....(because she knows why it was triggered) and I can do is LAUGH....yes laugh...and she looks at me like i'm nuts....I say to her....this is so my life....i mean really....it's like a lesson being taught again....lol...so when i tell the rest of my family they are freaking out....and when i tell them what triggered the growth....well you can imagine....
So....I have the first surgery....get thru it without any problems....just partially shaved hair....and a scar on the top of my forehead.....
Now I'm told at the follow up that another tumor has formed on the bottom left side of my brain where the brain stem and spinal cord are....oh is that all? he says no there is more....ok....he says we may not be able to get it during the 2nd surgery, and there are more possible repercussions with this surgery which entail not being able to swallow again and face paralysis....but no big deal...lol
he says we may have to have a 3rd surgery if we can't get the new tumor out....Oh Lovely...
Now I'm in limbo waiting on the 2nd surgery, oh and to top it off, My birthday is on saturday, two days before the surgery....isn't that great...(NOT)...
so as i was saying at the beginning of this blog....
I was almost over the hump...i had hurdled what I thought was my last big obstacle....and now i feel as though I keep rolling down and I can't stop.....that is how it feels....
feels almost the same as when my life caved in around me when the accident happend almost 15years ago and i lost Gary and Amber and I almost died too....if you knew me then, you get the jist...
This really sucks but I'm in it and hopefully this is all for a while....
Sure as heck hope so....
Don't ever let you guard down, don't ever take for granted that nothing can happen just because you have already had life altering events happen....sometimes it is like the domino effect on STEROIDS.
Catch a little later...
Peace.
I was getting my life together...
I had decided to just let go of Kevin and try to heal an move on....
Everything was flowing along, Josh and Mary were moving out into their own apartment, and Harold was moving in, I was excited that I had finally got all of my ducks in a roll (that being my bills caught up including my credit cards)....
Then on May 9th....The Explosion Happened....
I passed out at work, had a seizure....and was transported to the hospital....
I'm thinking at the time, it was probably just due to stress, and anxiety.
I'm at the emergency room, the er dr comes in after an MRI and let me know they had
found something on my brain.....Um What? I was in freak out mode....and shock all at the same time
which is why when he said we are transferring you to Harris Downtown, because the ER dr said he wasn't a neurologist.....Now I'm speechless....
What the heck I think to myself....they transport me to Harris Downtown....Thank Goodness Taylore (my adopted daughter) comes and stays with me till i fall asleep. Then the next morning...
the neurologist comes in and tells me i have a Tumor (mass) on my entire brain....WHAT!!!????
Could you repeat that.....I was in shock.....she said it would have to be removed....yeah um
I was still trying to take in the fact that I have a tumor in the first place.
So they keep me in the hospital for 4 days, and then I go home. I have seizure after seizure....even though I'm on medicine.....hmm figure that out....(gotta be the tumor )....well here we go...
ANOTHER obstacle to hurdle....and this one is Gigantic.....
So I go back to the Dr, Dr says we will have to do two surgeries....because the tumor is all over your brain....then he says, its congenital (i was born with it) and some kind of trauma (in the last 3 to 5 years) had triggered its growth......Oh really, no you have to be kidding....(yeah that fateful night in June 2015 you know the one) I am in utter disbelief.....and at the time when he says this, and Taylore and I get back in the car to go home (after he tells me all the things that could possibly happen after surgery) Taylore is pissed....(because she knows why it was triggered) and I can do is LAUGH....yes laugh...and she looks at me like i'm nuts....I say to her....this is so my life....i mean really....it's like a lesson being taught again....lol...so when i tell the rest of my family they are freaking out....and when i tell them what triggered the growth....well you can imagine....
So....I have the first surgery....get thru it without any problems....just partially shaved hair....and a scar on the top of my forehead.....
Now I'm told at the follow up that another tumor has formed on the bottom left side of my brain where the brain stem and spinal cord are....oh is that all? he says no there is more....ok....he says we may not be able to get it during the 2nd surgery, and there are more possible repercussions with this surgery which entail not being able to swallow again and face paralysis....but no big deal...lol
he says we may have to have a 3rd surgery if we can't get the new tumor out....Oh Lovely...
Now I'm in limbo waiting on the 2nd surgery, oh and to top it off, My birthday is on saturday, two days before the surgery....isn't that great...(NOT)...
so as i was saying at the beginning of this blog....
I was almost over the hump...i had hurdled what I thought was my last big obstacle....and now i feel as though I keep rolling down and I can't stop.....that is how it feels....
feels almost the same as when my life caved in around me when the accident happend almost 15years ago and i lost Gary and Amber and I almost died too....if you knew me then, you get the jist...
This really sucks but I'm in it and hopefully this is all for a while....
Sure as heck hope so....
Don't ever let you guard down, don't ever take for granted that nothing can happen just because you have already had life altering events happen....sometimes it is like the domino effect on STEROIDS.
Catch a little later...
Peace.
Scar Tissue
Well long time since my last post.
I am now not seeing Kevin, but as per usual I am still thinking of him. I have blocked him again on my phone, email and home phone, and what do I do? I email him on another account.
LOL it is funny isn't it; So then after emailing him, he answers back, with all the customary Kevin questions and answers, how are you? how are you paying bills (see there is a hidden question inside that question) LOL...so i give him feedback, just enough to well keep him curious. Yes and as per usual I keep checking that email to see if he has emailed me again....It's sickening to me and I'm the one doing it.
See for me its like a scab, that I keep messing with until I pull it totally off and it starts bleeding again...letting all those feelings that I had and still have for him rush back....instead of leaving the scab alone, i just keep messing with it....till the cut finally gets infected....well I have to stop and I have to stop now. I know Kevin will never change, I know Kevin will never stop drinking, I know Kevin will always want control, and I know Kevin never ever wants to be alone, that being said, I know he still has or will always have someone waiting in the wings. That is the difference between he and I, I don't mind being alone, in fact I cherish it at times. Its freedom for me and sometimes its lonely, but it's ok..and when I get lonely I think of him.....its a real pisser.
So now it's been since the 1st of May since i have seen him, which has been almost 5 mos ago. I want to just leave it behind, but its hard, because i did and do still love him, but when I was with him,
I was miserable, lol....catch 22 hanging in there somewhere isn't there.
Well that is all I have for now....will write more tomorrow.
I am now not seeing Kevin, but as per usual I am still thinking of him. I have blocked him again on my phone, email and home phone, and what do I do? I email him on another account.
LOL it is funny isn't it; So then after emailing him, he answers back, with all the customary Kevin questions and answers, how are you? how are you paying bills (see there is a hidden question inside that question) LOL...so i give him feedback, just enough to well keep him curious. Yes and as per usual I keep checking that email to see if he has emailed me again....It's sickening to me and I'm the one doing it.
See for me its like a scab, that I keep messing with until I pull it totally off and it starts bleeding again...letting all those feelings that I had and still have for him rush back....instead of leaving the scab alone, i just keep messing with it....till the cut finally gets infected....well I have to stop and I have to stop now. I know Kevin will never change, I know Kevin will never stop drinking, I know Kevin will always want control, and I know Kevin never ever wants to be alone, that being said, I know he still has or will always have someone waiting in the wings. That is the difference between he and I, I don't mind being alone, in fact I cherish it at times. Its freedom for me and sometimes its lonely, but it's ok..and when I get lonely I think of him.....its a real pisser.
So now it's been since the 1st of May since i have seen him, which has been almost 5 mos ago. I want to just leave it behind, but its hard, because i did and do still love him, but when I was with him,
I was miserable, lol....catch 22 hanging in there somewhere isn't there.
Well that is all I have for now....will write more tomorrow.
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