Obstacle

5 Months ago, I was free....
I was getting my life together...
I had decided to just let go of Kevin and try to heal an move on....

Everything was flowing along, Josh and Mary were moving out into their own apartment, and Harold was moving in, I was excited that I had finally got all of my ducks in a roll (that being my bills caught up including my credit cards)....

Then on May 9th....The Explosion Happened....
I passed out at work, had a seizure....and was transported to the hospital....
I'm thinking at the time, it was probably just due to stress, and anxiety.
I'm at the emergency room,  the er dr comes in after an MRI and let me know they had
found something on my brain.....Um What?  I was in freak out mode....and shock all at the same time
which is why when he said we are transferring you to Harris Downtown, because the ER dr said he wasn't a neurologist.....Now I'm speechless....

What the heck I think to myself....they transport me to Harris Downtown....Thank Goodness Taylore (my adopted daughter) comes and stays with me till i fall asleep.   Then the next morning...
the neurologist comes in and tells me i have a Tumor (mass) on my entire brain....WHAT!!!????
Could you repeat that.....I was in shock.....she said it would have to be removed....yeah um
I was still trying to take in the fact that I have a tumor in the first place.

So they keep me in the hospital for 4 days, and then I go home.  I have seizure after seizure....even though I'm on medicine.....hmm figure that out....(gotta be the tumor )....well here we go...
ANOTHER obstacle to hurdle....and this one is Gigantic.....

So I go back to the Dr, Dr says we will have to do two surgeries....because the tumor is all over your brain....then he says, its congenital (i was born with it) and some kind of trauma (in the last 3 to 5 years) had triggered its growth......Oh really, no you have to be kidding....(yeah that fateful night in June 2015 you know the one)  I am in utter disbelief.....and at the time when he says this, and Taylore and I get back in the car to go home (after he tells me all the things that could possibly happen after surgery) Taylore is pissed....(because she knows why it was triggered)  and I can do is LAUGH....yes laugh...and she looks at me like i'm nuts....I say to her....this is so my life....i mean really....it's like a lesson being taught again....lol...so when i tell the rest of my family they are freaking out....and when i tell them what triggered the growth....well you can imagine....

So....I have the first surgery....get thru it without any problems....just partially shaved hair....and a scar on the top of my forehead.....

Now I'm told at the follow up that another tumor has formed on the bottom left side of my brain where the brain stem and spinal cord are....oh is that all?  he says no there is more....ok....he says we may not be able to get it during the 2nd surgery, and there are more possible repercussions with this surgery which entail not being able to swallow again and face paralysis....but no big deal...lol
he says we may have to have a 3rd surgery if we can't get the new tumor out....Oh Lovely...

Now I'm in limbo waiting on the 2nd surgery, oh and to top it off, My birthday is on saturday, two days before the surgery....isn't that great...(NOT)...

so as i was saying at the beginning of this blog....
I was almost over the hump...i had hurdled what I thought was my last big obstacle....and now i feel as though I keep rolling down and I can't stop.....that is how it feels....
feels almost the same as when my life caved in around me when the accident happend almost 15years ago and i lost Gary and Amber and I almost died too....if you knew me then, you get the jist...
This really sucks but I'm in it and hopefully this is all for a while....
Sure as heck hope so....

Don't ever let you guard down, don't ever take for granted that nothing can happen just because you have already had life altering events happen....sometimes it is like the domino effect on STEROIDS.

Catch a little later...

Peace.

Scar Tissue

Well long time since my last post.
I am now not seeing Kevin, but as per usual I am still thinking of him.  I have blocked him again on my phone, email and home phone, and what do I do?  I email him on another account.
LOL  it is funny isn't it;  So then after emailing him, he answers back, with all the customary Kevin questions and answers, how are you?  how are you paying bills (see there is a hidden question inside that question) LOL...so i give him feedback, just enough to well keep him curious.  Yes and as per usual I keep checking that email to see if he has emailed me again....It's sickening to me and I'm the one doing it.

See for me its like a scab, that I keep messing with until I pull it totally off and it starts bleeding again...letting all those feelings that I had and still have for him rush back....instead of leaving the scab alone, i just keep messing with it....till the cut finally gets infected....well I have to stop and I have to stop now.  I know Kevin will never change, I know Kevin will never stop drinking, I know Kevin will always want control, and I know Kevin never ever wants to be alone, that being said, I know he still has or will always have someone waiting in the wings.  That is the difference between he and I, I don't mind being alone, in fact I cherish it at times.  Its freedom for me and sometimes its lonely, but it's ok..and when I get lonely I think of him.....its a real pisser.

So now it's been since the 1st of May since i have seen him, which has been almost 5 mos ago.  I want to just leave it behind, but its hard, because i did and do still love him, but when I was with him,
I was miserable, lol....catch 22 hanging in there somewhere isn't there.

Well that is all I have for now....will write more tomorrow.