How!

Hello Again!

Yes it's me....and the last time I wrote, I was at a cross roads about "Kevin"....

I'm sure you are wondering what I decided to do....

Well I think you will be happy to know that I let him go.

Now at first it was endless phone calls, with endless voice mails....all very bizarre ranting
at one moment, then it turned into sappy....meaningless "I love you's".

That went on for about 2 weeks....and then one night, after endlessly texting and calling and leaving
voice mails, he just stopped....

I'm thank ful....but even as sad and stupid as this sounds, and even though I have him blocked,
I still check...LOL....yeah I do....

You know, when we separated, it was so very hard for me.....I had this picture perfect fantasy in 'my
head about the way our relationship would be after we married....I know I was fooling myself....
Now of course the realization sets in....What is that you may wonder....
Let me explain....

When we divorced, he constantly texted, emailed and called me, even though my lawyer told him to stop, even though i had a restraining order for him not too....

It continued for alittle while and then he dropped off, (kind of like now)
but then he started up again, and I was at the time so lonely and missing him....(can't think of why)
and we started seeing eachother again.....even though he had just put me through Hell and back...
(what was I thinking?)  I love him thats why....but now I keep thinking about the things he would say to me each time I would do something he thought I shouldn't , he again would belittle me, badger me,
make me feel as though i was stupid....like i didn't have a brain in my head....like i couldn't take
care of myself....like I was afraid to be alone....now that last one might be true, but the rest is not,
I know that now, Hell I knew it then, but when someone does that to your Psyche day in and day out constantly for 2 or 3 solid years, you begin to doubt yourself....

Now, i haven't heard from him in a week.  And I'm thinking back to a day at his apartment when we were on the balcony....i noticed a blond woman with short hair walking thru the gate of his apt....
I don't know why i noticed her.  I had just walked in the door, when I noticed Kevin shut the door to the balcony really fast.....and I thought he was maybe haveing a conversation with a neighbor, as I looked out the blinds, i saw the blond woman standing below the balcony and they were talkiing...
he seemed stressed and she was pleading...

I walked away from the blinds and went to open the balcony door, he walked in as quick as he could and shut the door back....I asked him who that was, and he told me that it was someone he had met a the bar and they had had a couple of drinks....but she wanted to move to fast....and he didn't want to...
well i remembered later that night after he was sleeping off a bender....off something that happened right after we started seeing eachother again,....i was making up his bed and i noticed something right at the head of the bed, i reached to get it, and it was an woman's orange tank top....when i asked him who it belong to, because it was to big to be mine he said that Tyler and his girlfriend had stayed in his apt one night and Tina must have left it.....Ok Ding Ding Ding.....now it hits me.....it wasn't his son's girlfriend's it was that blond woman's tank top, same build and would have been her size....Tina is short and petite....yeah....after all the times he accused me of sleeping with someone or even several someones' he did it....LOL....it hurts...really does....didn't take him long did it....I mean I can't even think about being with anyone else right now...thinking about it I wonder how many he had....I know from Lynda, that he always talked to Rob about it....(his brother and sister in law) Lynda said
Kevin would always tell Rob he had lots of women....yeah....
I finally figured out the reason he accused me....is because he figured he could get me to admit something and then he wouldn't have to feel guilty....Well....I never did date anyone, or see anyone...
I mean I even got on a dating site twice only to delete my profile....because I just can't do it.....
and now I wonder how many he has been seeing....Sad isn't it....he treated me like crap....and I am still thinking about it...about him....man it makes me mad at myself...

To Kevin...Status and Money mean everything....to me it's means nothing....it's material....he doesn't get it, which is why he will probably wind up a cold lonely old man....

Well I will write more later....

Peace...

I Ask Myself Why

What I once thought of as a relationship....has turned out to be only a Situation....

What am I talking about?

My Ex-Husband, Kevin.....

I have been in and out of a relationship with him on and off for almost 7 years now, and we

were married for 2 of those....

The problem?    He drinks, and yes I knew that when I got involved with him, but looking back 

at the beginning of our relationship, i know I saw RED FLAGS.....they popped up every time

I turned around, but what did I do?   I kept up the Relationship.....even though at times he

wasn't the nicest person to me.....

Why?  well that isn't easy to say....without feeling like an idiot, of which I know I am not, but

that being said, I thought I was in love with him.....when looking back now, I see what was going on:

1.  I was lonely, I wanted to feel wanted, I wanted to have someone in my life, 

2.  I was living in an apartment with 6 people...all of which were my kids...LOL and Kevin

     was my escape on the weekends....

3.  I thought this man has never had anyone who really cared about him, I can be that one

     person....

4.  I thought I could save him, fix him.

All of the above....make me a FIXER.....yes I know.

And after all of the hell i went thru for alot of years with my kids after losing my beloved first husband, I thought this was going to make everything ok.....I was so wrong.

I gave my life to an alcoholic, of whom I realized did have people in his life that cared, but 

his constant drinking ran everyone off from him.....

I gave everything i had to this man, I quit my job, I moved away from family and friends to a completely different city that was miles away....and then married him....

And then my nightmare began, i stayed home, and took care of the house, while he worked,

mind you I bought the house, and bought all the furniture, appliances everything in the house

I bought everything in the house was moved in by me or a mover, he moved his box in....

And after a year and a half I realized i wasn't happy, he was an alcoholic, and not a nice one 

either....he put me through alot of pain, mental, emotional and physical....I could go on and on...

i should not have married him, my daughter even told me to give it time, to think...but i thought

once we got married, everything would fall in to place and he would stop....Again, I was wrong,

it only got worse....can't count on my hands or feet how many episodes there were where he was

belligerent with me and then the physical started.....but all that ended one night he he gave me a black eye and a cut above my eye...not to mention a bruised rib, and a permanently scarred arm....yes I was done, and i found out all he ever wanted was control.....

so i filed for divorce.....and sold the house in Plano and moved back home.....

well now a year later, i'm talking to him again, why?  because I pity him, I know I am not in love with him, i care for him....even after all he has done, and still won't admit.

He blames me.....LOL....i have to laugh otherwise i would just scream....

Now I'm at a crossroads, he has lost his only child....and he is literally alone, and I just haven't 

found it within me to abandon him, and yes he lays the guilt on me....

Says i can't believe your doing this to me after everything I have done for you?  

Now I want to really scream everytime he says it...because He gave up nothing to be with me, 

me on the other hand I gave up everything, which was my choice.....but he will never say that

and that leads me to believe no  know now, he is a classic Narcissist and that is so sad....

So I have to make a decision....to just let him go.....but that is easier said than done.....

So I will write more at a later time.....

Bye for now...Peace