Scar Tissue

Well long time since my last post.
I am now not seeing Kevin, but as per usual I am still thinking of him.  I have blocked him again on my phone, email and home phone, and what do I do?  I email him on another account.
LOL  it is funny isn't it;  So then after emailing him, he answers back, with all the customary Kevin questions and answers, how are you?  how are you paying bills (see there is a hidden question inside that question) LOL...so i give him feedback, just enough to well keep him curious.  Yes and as per usual I keep checking that email to see if he has emailed me again....It's sickening to me and I'm the one doing it.

See for me its like a scab, that I keep messing with until I pull it totally off and it starts bleeding again...letting all those feelings that I had and still have for him rush back....instead of leaving the scab alone, i just keep messing with it....till the cut finally gets infected....well I have to stop and I have to stop now.  I know Kevin will never change, I know Kevin will never stop drinking, I know Kevin will always want control, and I know Kevin never ever wants to be alone, that being said, I know he still has or will always have someone waiting in the wings.  That is the difference between he and I, I don't mind being alone, in fact I cherish it at times.  Its freedom for me and sometimes its lonely, but it's ok..and when I get lonely I think of him.....its a real pisser.

So now it's been since the 1st of May since i have seen him, which has been almost 5 mos ago.  I want to just leave it behind, but its hard, because i did and do still love him, but when I was with him,
I was miserable, lol....catch 22 hanging in there somewhere isn't there.

Well that is all I have for now....will write more tomorrow.