Obstacle

5 Months ago, I was free....
I was getting my life together...
I had decided to just let go of Kevin and try to heal an move on....

Everything was flowing along, Josh and Mary were moving out into their own apartment, and Harold was moving in, I was excited that I had finally got all of my ducks in a roll (that being my bills caught up including my credit cards)....

Then on May 9th....The Explosion Happened....
I passed out at work, had a seizure....and was transported to the hospital....
I'm thinking at the time, it was probably just due to stress, and anxiety.
I'm at the emergency room,  the er dr comes in after an MRI and let me know they had
found something on my brain.....Um What?  I was in freak out mode....and shock all at the same time
which is why when he said we are transferring you to Harris Downtown, because the ER dr said he wasn't a neurologist.....Now I'm speechless....

What the heck I think to myself....they transport me to Harris Downtown....Thank Goodness Taylore (my adopted daughter) comes and stays with me till i fall asleep.   Then the next morning...
the neurologist comes in and tells me i have a Tumor (mass) on my entire brain....WHAT!!!????
Could you repeat that.....I was in shock.....she said it would have to be removed....yeah um
I was still trying to take in the fact that I have a tumor in the first place.

So they keep me in the hospital for 4 days, and then I go home.  I have seizure after seizure....even though I'm on medicine.....hmm figure that out....(gotta be the tumor )....well here we go...
ANOTHER obstacle to hurdle....and this one is Gigantic.....

So I go back to the Dr, Dr says we will have to do two surgeries....because the tumor is all over your brain....then he says, its congenital (i was born with it) and some kind of trauma (in the last 3 to 5 years) had triggered its growth......Oh really, no you have to be kidding....(yeah that fateful night in June 2015 you know the one)  I am in utter disbelief.....and at the time when he says this, and Taylore and I get back in the car to go home (after he tells me all the things that could possibly happen after surgery) Taylore is pissed....(because she knows why it was triggered)  and I can do is LAUGH....yes laugh...and she looks at me like i'm nuts....I say to her....this is so my life....i mean really....it's like a lesson being taught again....lol...so when i tell the rest of my family they are freaking out....and when i tell them what triggered the growth....well you can imagine....

So....I have the first surgery....get thru it without any problems....just partially shaved hair....and a scar on the top of my forehead.....

Now I'm told at the follow up that another tumor has formed on the bottom left side of my brain where the brain stem and spinal cord are....oh is that all?  he says no there is more....ok....he says we may not be able to get it during the 2nd surgery, and there are more possible repercussions with this surgery which entail not being able to swallow again and face paralysis....but no big deal...lol
he says we may have to have a 3rd surgery if we can't get the new tumor out....Oh Lovely...

Now I'm in limbo waiting on the 2nd surgery, oh and to top it off, My birthday is on saturday, two days before the surgery....isn't that great...(NOT)...

so as i was saying at the beginning of this blog....
I was almost over the hump...i had hurdled what I thought was my last big obstacle....and now i feel as though I keep rolling down and I can't stop.....that is how it feels....
feels almost the same as when my life caved in around me when the accident happend almost 15years ago and i lost Gary and Amber and I almost died too....if you knew me then, you get the jist...
This really sucks but I'm in it and hopefully this is all for a while....
Sure as heck hope so....

Don't ever let you guard down, don't ever take for granted that nothing can happen just because you have already had life altering events happen....sometimes it is like the domino effect on STEROIDS.

Catch a little later...

Peace.

Scar Tissue

Well long time since my last post.
I am now not seeing Kevin, but as per usual I am still thinking of him.  I have blocked him again on my phone, email and home phone, and what do I do?  I email him on another account.
LOL  it is funny isn't it;  So then after emailing him, he answers back, with all the customary Kevin questions and answers, how are you?  how are you paying bills (see there is a hidden question inside that question) LOL...so i give him feedback, just enough to well keep him curious.  Yes and as per usual I keep checking that email to see if he has emailed me again....It's sickening to me and I'm the one doing it.

See for me its like a scab, that I keep messing with until I pull it totally off and it starts bleeding again...letting all those feelings that I had and still have for him rush back....instead of leaving the scab alone, i just keep messing with it....till the cut finally gets infected....well I have to stop and I have to stop now.  I know Kevin will never change, I know Kevin will never stop drinking, I know Kevin will always want control, and I know Kevin never ever wants to be alone, that being said, I know he still has or will always have someone waiting in the wings.  That is the difference between he and I, I don't mind being alone, in fact I cherish it at times.  Its freedom for me and sometimes its lonely, but it's ok..and when I get lonely I think of him.....its a real pisser.

So now it's been since the 1st of May since i have seen him, which has been almost 5 mos ago.  I want to just leave it behind, but its hard, because i did and do still love him, but when I was with him,
I was miserable, lol....catch 22 hanging in there somewhere isn't there.

Well that is all I have for now....will write more tomorrow.

How!

Hello Again!

Yes it's me....and the last time I wrote, I was at a cross roads about "Kevin"....

I'm sure you are wondering what I decided to do....

Well I think you will be happy to know that I let him go.

Now at first it was endless phone calls, with endless voice mails....all very bizarre ranting
at one moment, then it turned into sappy....meaningless "I love you's".

That went on for about 2 weeks....and then one night, after endlessly texting and calling and leaving
voice mails, he just stopped....

I'm thank ful....but even as sad and stupid as this sounds, and even though I have him blocked,
I still check...LOL....yeah I do....

You know, when we separated, it was so very hard for me.....I had this picture perfect fantasy in 'my
head about the way our relationship would be after we married....I know I was fooling myself....
Now of course the realization sets in....What is that you may wonder....
Let me explain....

When we divorced, he constantly texted, emailed and called me, even though my lawyer told him to stop, even though i had a restraining order for him not too....

It continued for alittle while and then he dropped off, (kind of like now)
but then he started up again, and I was at the time so lonely and missing him....(can't think of why)
and we started seeing eachother again.....even though he had just put me through Hell and back...
(what was I thinking?)  I love him thats why....but now I keep thinking about the things he would say to me each time I would do something he thought I shouldn't , he again would belittle me, badger me,
make me feel as though i was stupid....like i didn't have a brain in my head....like i couldn't take
care of myself....like I was afraid to be alone....now that last one might be true, but the rest is not,
I know that now, Hell I knew it then, but when someone does that to your Psyche day in and day out constantly for 2 or 3 solid years, you begin to doubt yourself....

Now, i haven't heard from him in a week.  And I'm thinking back to a day at his apartment when we were on the balcony....i noticed a blond woman with short hair walking thru the gate of his apt....
I don't know why i noticed her.  I had just walked in the door, when I noticed Kevin shut the door to the balcony really fast.....and I thought he was maybe haveing a conversation with a neighbor, as I looked out the blinds, i saw the blond woman standing below the balcony and they were talkiing...
he seemed stressed and she was pleading...

I walked away from the blinds and went to open the balcony door, he walked in as quick as he could and shut the door back....I asked him who that was, and he told me that it was someone he had met a the bar and they had had a couple of drinks....but she wanted to move to fast....and he didn't want to...
well i remembered later that night after he was sleeping off a bender....off something that happened right after we started seeing eachother again,....i was making up his bed and i noticed something right at the head of the bed, i reached to get it, and it was an woman's orange tank top....when i asked him who it belong to, because it was to big to be mine he said that Tyler and his girlfriend had stayed in his apt one night and Tina must have left it.....Ok Ding Ding Ding.....now it hits me.....it wasn't his son's girlfriend's it was that blond woman's tank top, same build and would have been her size....Tina is short and petite....yeah....after all the times he accused me of sleeping with someone or even several someones' he did it....LOL....it hurts...really does....didn't take him long did it....I mean I can't even think about being with anyone else right now...thinking about it I wonder how many he had....I know from Lynda, that he always talked to Rob about it....(his brother and sister in law) Lynda said
Kevin would always tell Rob he had lots of women....yeah....
I finally figured out the reason he accused me....is because he figured he could get me to admit something and then he wouldn't have to feel guilty....Well....I never did date anyone, or see anyone...
I mean I even got on a dating site twice only to delete my profile....because I just can't do it.....
and now I wonder how many he has been seeing....Sad isn't it....he treated me like crap....and I am still thinking about it...about him....man it makes me mad at myself...

To Kevin...Status and Money mean everything....to me it's means nothing....it's material....he doesn't get it, which is why he will probably wind up a cold lonely old man....

Well I will write more later....

Peace...

I Ask Myself Why

What I once thought of as a relationship....has turned out to be only a Situation....

What am I talking about?

My Ex-Husband, Kevin.....

I have been in and out of a relationship with him on and off for almost 7 years now, and we

were married for 2 of those....

The problem?    He drinks, and yes I knew that when I got involved with him, but looking back 

at the beginning of our relationship, i know I saw RED FLAGS.....they popped up every time

I turned around, but what did I do?   I kept up the Relationship.....even though at times he

wasn't the nicest person to me.....

Why?  well that isn't easy to say....without feeling like an idiot, of which I know I am not, but

that being said, I thought I was in love with him.....when looking back now, I see what was going on:

1.  I was lonely, I wanted to feel wanted, I wanted to have someone in my life, 

2.  I was living in an apartment with 6 people...all of which were my kids...LOL and Kevin

     was my escape on the weekends....

3.  I thought this man has never had anyone who really cared about him, I can be that one

     person....

4.  I thought I could save him, fix him.

All of the above....make me a FIXER.....yes I know.

And after all of the hell i went thru for alot of years with my kids after losing my beloved first husband, I thought this was going to make everything ok.....I was so wrong.

I gave my life to an alcoholic, of whom I realized did have people in his life that cared, but 

his constant drinking ran everyone off from him.....

I gave everything i had to this man, I quit my job, I moved away from family and friends to a completely different city that was miles away....and then married him....

And then my nightmare began, i stayed home, and took care of the house, while he worked,

mind you I bought the house, and bought all the furniture, appliances everything in the house

I bought everything in the house was moved in by me or a mover, he moved his box in....

And after a year and a half I realized i wasn't happy, he was an alcoholic, and not a nice one 

either....he put me through alot of pain, mental, emotional and physical....I could go on and on...

i should not have married him, my daughter even told me to give it time, to think...but i thought

once we got married, everything would fall in to place and he would stop....Again, I was wrong,

it only got worse....can't count on my hands or feet how many episodes there were where he was

belligerent with me and then the physical started.....but all that ended one night he he gave me a black eye and a cut above my eye...not to mention a bruised rib, and a permanently scarred arm....yes I was done, and i found out all he ever wanted was control.....

so i filed for divorce.....and sold the house in Plano and moved back home.....

well now a year later, i'm talking to him again, why?  because I pity him, I know I am not in love with him, i care for him....even after all he has done, and still won't admit.

He blames me.....LOL....i have to laugh otherwise i would just scream....

Now I'm at a crossroads, he has lost his only child....and he is literally alone, and I just haven't 

found it within me to abandon him, and yes he lays the guilt on me....

Says i can't believe your doing this to me after everything I have done for you?  

Now I want to really scream everytime he says it...because He gave up nothing to be with me, 

me on the other hand I gave up everything, which was my choice.....but he will never say that

and that leads me to believe no  know now, he is a classic Narcissist and that is so sad....

So I have to make a decision....to just let him go.....but that is easier said than done.....

So I will write more at a later time.....

Bye for now...Peace